Final position against Kingroche, F.I.D.E. 2145

June 17, 1996, on FICS.

Chess Advice

In January of 1996, I replied to a query about how one could improve one's game. Since the local response was positive, I felt that it might be appropriate to humbly offer the WWW community what little expertise I've managed to acquire over 20 years of woodpushing.....

********

>He just plays for fun, and would very much like for someone to

>teach him the 'strategy', or 'technique' behind the game that makes a

>winner.

Sounds great! Here's two related lists of 'strategy' and 'techniques' the whole chess group can implement starting right away:

1) While your opponent is thinking, keep readjusting his/her pieces. This becomes extremely distracting and annoying.
2) Hum, but only in tuneless, rambling ways. If the game reaches a critical point, start whistling, also randomly. Eric Brody is probably immune to this tactic, but most people get VERY irritated. And that's the point, right?
3) This is sort of a variation on 2). Hum or whistle common jingles while your opponent is thinking - "Mary had a little Lamb", "Three Blind Mice", etc. Nice, repetetive jingles are best. Then skip notes, or fail to conclude important lines.
4) After every move your opponent makes, mutter, "Ah, the Zhurovski Gambit! Refuted in '75 by Spassky in the Belgrade Championships". Of course, in place of "Zhurovski", insert a Slavic name of your choice, followed by one of the following: gambit, attack, defense, opening, variation. This gets extremely intimidating, at least until your opponent figures out you barely know the moves, much less have an opening library in your head the size of Deep Blue's.
5) If you're at a table, play footsy with your opponent. This is very distracting, whether the person is attracted to your gender or not!
6) Snigger when your opponent moves. Simple, but in the early part of a game, devastating.

Actually, with the exception of fidgeting during the critical portions of my games, I very rarely engage in any sort of distracting behavior. Anymore, at least. Usually.

The critical aspect of chess that all of those first points highlight is, of course, that much of the action does NOT take place on the board. The board is just a manifestation of the swirl of vectors you are constructing in your own mind. The player with the better grasp of the vectors wins! While I hardly feel the 6 "tips" listed above are appropriate, they do indicate that disrupting your opponent's view of the complex system you both are manipulating gives you a big advantage. So, don't play for money or for wagers which involve humiliating penalties for the loser:

1) against extremely attractive people (fortunately, very few extremely attractive people play chess)
2) after consuming quantities of alcohol
3) After 40 straight hours of academic grinding (unless you were grinding on other academics, in which case your body odor and general appearance will give you a HUGE advantage -- see points 1-6 above!)

Yers,

/\shton

*********

Back to Ashton's Home Page